By Eric Van Vleet
Donald J. Trump, the “real” Donald Trump of Twitter fame, who regularly speaks of himself in the third person, who (for now) is the President of the United States of America, who won the electoral college vote with no small help from Russian hackers, who lost the popular vote and who had a decidedly smaller inauguration crowd than President Obama. Trump has recently accused Obama and “his people” of orchestrating protests and “leaks of classified information”. This is the same “birther” who maintained racist accusations that Obama was not a ‘real’ American citizen, and then tried to blame Hillary Clinton for this lie.
If all of this is not offensive enough, he once owned a steak company whose products were inexplicably sold in freezer cases at the Sharper Image. This, our dear readers, is only the beginning of his bad culinary judgement. (If you want to check any of the claims or information his essay has been intensively hyperlinked. Follow as many as you can for an informative, though dark foray through the state of the nation past and present. As best as I can tell, they are all “facts” and not the most Orwellian coinage imaginable, (“alternative facts”). But back to food.
As we do not separate what you are from what you eat on this blog, the diet that he adheres to explains the confabulations that spew from “the Donald’s” maw. We would like to propose that our “president” has consciously or unconsciously invented a new fad diet: Garbage In, Garbage Out. This diet including consuming garbage food and then spouting trashy and offensive falsehoods. Fueled by Doritos or a Big Mac your greasy fingers can then launch another offensive tweet against adversaries real and imagined.
People are saying it’s the best diet. No one has a better diet than the Donald. No one cares about food more than me. While his doctor said “the Donald”, himself a rotund fat-shamer, was bordering on obese (a border I would say this wannabe wall-builder has crossed), his physician supposedly said he would make the healthiest person ever to serve as a president. Such a claim almost itself writes the next Bill and Ted movie, Bill and Ted Complete Physicals of all Past U.S. Presidents.
Ever the billionaire populist, “The Donald” reflects the weight of his constituency even if they may pay more taxes. Despite the freedom his hands have had for other illegal activities, those tiny, tiny hands love fast food. They trust fast food. He is partial to fast food because he has a Nixonian paranoia about cleanliness, though, of course, he does not want government agencies to help ensure this food safety. He believes fast food just to be “safer”. Why have trained chefs cook your food, when you can have a teenager who is counting down the minutes until he can smoke a spliff behind the dumpster make it?
When he dines upscale “the Donald” orders a steak extremely well done, (not a Trump steak), and then slathers it in ketchup. He will go off menu to demand the ketchup. There might be microbes living in a properly cooked medium rare steak, so he demands that it is cooked to hell. Soon enough, when his paranoia heightens, he assuredly will hire a team of taste testers.
After calling Mexicans “rapists”, “drug dealers”, “bad hombres” and even to show just how little he thinks about the contradictions of what he says, “and some of them are good people.” He had his assuredly capable chefs at one of his garish properties rip off Taco Bell’s Taco Bowl. He tweeted the photo (surprise, surprise) of this “taco bowl” as his olive branch to the Mexican people on Cinco de Mayo. The ‘proper’ way of celebrating the holiday for entitled rich white American bros like himself is to get trashed and commit the kind of crimes that of which many women have accused him. Yet, what is still more terrifying is that Trump doesn’t drink, so even that thin excuse for his behavior is nonexistent. Being a preternaturally vengeful human, so much so that the New York Times created a Trump insult dictionary, it is so ingrained in him that even a seemingly friendly gesture like presenting his Taco Bowl to “hispanics” comes off as an elaborate slam.
His deranged fear of microbes in food is not unlike his manic delusions of supposedly hired protesters, fake news and terrorists. Everyone is out to get him. Haters are lurking everywhere. Just because he cannot see or taste them, doesn’t mean they are not there for President Drumpf. Just like the Birchers who saw “Reds” in their cereal bowls, Trump sees his enemies everywhere, even in his food. Better “safe” than sorry for "the Donald”, no matter how enriching an actual unpredictable experience could be of eating real food, even "ethnic" food. His beloved fast food joints churn out an industrial product devoid of any connection with the environment and people who produced it. For “the Donald”, the environment is nothing but an impediment to illusory coal jobs and people are only there to stoke his ego, including still campaigning as a sitting president. Homogeneity is the goal of fast food. It scorns any real and meaningful difference, not unlike our 45th president.
In his version of an America “made great again” a steak produced by a farmer and prepared by a chef is seared until all that was once “great” about it is gone. America is a place where evidently even a raving billionaire cannot eat well for fear of floral and faunal bogeyman. For the rest, the message is eat your big buckets of KFC and taco bowls and love him unconditionally. Love him even if he would murder random bystanders on the street. He has already called on his followers to commit violent acts to anyone who opposes him. His message about food to America is this: feel free to thoughtlessly take in the same fast food garbage and regurgitate the same hateful garbage just like “the Donald”. Garbage in, garbage out, America.
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